Musings from a Whirling Dervish

Whistle While You Work

Years ago -- at least five, probably seven or eight -- I remember a conversation I had with my best friends in California. Actually it was more of a debate: Was it better to do freelance work that you didn't really like for great pay so you could work less and have more time to do the things you really loved? Or was it better to create a life around work you really loved even if it meant working crazy hours and possibly lowering your standard of living?

I was living the first option and voted for the second, believing work should be play. I envisioned a life where each day I would wake up excited to go achieve whatever was on my to-do list for the day. My friends were more pragmatic: Bang out the boring work, and then go play. None of us even considered the third option of working lots of hours for little pay doing something you didn't like. No thank you, period.

I headed back up to Montana, where I'd moved to be closer to nature. I didn't have a clear vision of passionate work that would light me on fire, and it was pretty nice to just work 25 to 30 hours a week writing for high-tech companies and then go fish, ski, hike, act, volunteer, and settle into coffee shops. It was nice, but it wasn't satisfying. And then one day, I hit a wall. I didn't want to do it any more. I sold almost everything I owned, rented out my house, and moved to Sri Lanka to help with the tsunami recovery.

Now, five years later, I'm at a crossroads again. I spent five incredible years doing international development work -- the last three in eastern and southern Africa. It was exhilarating, enriching, rewarding, and incredibly frustrating at times. I'm very thankful for those years, and now I'm ready for something new.

The question is, what? For awhile I didn't have an answer to that question. But now it's emerging (yikes!): I want to act, travel, and write. I want to share stories, mine and others, that touch a chord in people and make them look at the world around them a little differently. I'm scared to take this on. Aren't enough people already doing this? Is there really anything new to be said? Am I creative enough to really succeed? Isn't helping to balance out the world's unfair distribution of resources a more important and necessary goal? Shouldn't I already be sharing more of my own wealth to help effect this change?

I don't have clear answers to these questions. I have realized that not all people have this same desire to live an engaged, passionate life -- and not in a bad way. Different things make different personalities tick. For me though, I now know that my work needs to be play. The next step is to really take the plunge. I'm not quite there yet, but I am inching closer and closer to the edge.

You Know You're Tired When ...

Sometimes when I watch sappy commercials, I cry. This usually happens when I've exhausted myself. My mind and body are so tired that any emotional pull brings me immediately to tears.

The last four weeks I've been resting. I quit my job in Kenya, moved to France, and curled up in my rented furnished apartment. I've gone out with new friends a few times, and an old college friend came through one weekend, leading to a whirlwind trip to Bilboa. But overall, for hours each day, I've been resting. The first two weeks I napped seriously just about every day. Sixty to 90 minutes to two hours flat out. Dead to the world. And then a full eight hours of sleep each night.

The third week I still napped some days, but my energy started to return. This past week I haven't napped at all and have started to wonder if it's time to get off my duff. Get out there and surf. Make more new friends. Spend more time outside taking pictures. Write more. Do more. Make the most of this "non-working" break. And then I decide, no, I'm happy still resting. I've been torn though between society's and my own calls for achievement and activity and my inner voice guiding me toward rest, creativity, quiet, and alone time.

Then today I came across the 21.5.800 challenge: 21 days of writing 800 words a day and doing yoga five times a week. Perfect! My body has been getting achy spending so much time inside and often prone. This challenge gives me the motivation I need to write, rest and move if I want (the challenge allows corpse pose for the yoga if preferred).

I signed up, was poking around the creator's Web site, and came across this: If you are fried, hate yoga, have several children under the age of three, just had a root canal, are exhausted, and/or are energetically behind the eight-ball in every way, PLEASE DO SAVASANA FOR THE 21 DAYS. I started crying immediately, and the tears keep coming. I had no idea I was still so tired. I have no children and now no job and yet energetically I am burnt to a crisp.

So thank you Bindu Wiles for coming up with this writing and resting challenge that also gives me the opportunity to build new community. And thank you for bringing me to the place I needed to find to validate my enormous need for rest right now.

Red-Headed Restaurant Cashier

Hope sent from a dear friend with thanks to Carl Sandburg:

 

Shake back your hair, O red-headed girl.

Let go your laughter and keep your two proud freckles on your chin.

Somewhere is a man looking for a red-headed girl and some day maybe he will look into your eyes for a restaurant cashier and find a lover, maybe.

Around and around go ten thousand men hunting a red headed girl with two freckles on her chin.

I have seen them hunting, hunting.

Shake back your hair; let go your laughter.

Mass Compassion

A few years back, I remember a story about a dog getting stranded on a houseboat I think during a flood. People had died, homes and businesses were lost, but Americans ended up raising thousands of dollars so a helicopter could be hired to go rescue the dog. It seemed like a sad reflection of our values.

I also know that in marketing and fundraising, it's human nature to connect more to the plight of a single person than to that of thousands or millions. People will give more money to help one individual, say in Darfur, than to support projects that help hundreds or thousands more to stay alive.

This is human nature. I get it. We want to feel like our assistance is making a difference and trust that more if money or aid goes to a specific person. When it goes to a mass of people, it feels like nothing changes and our generosity is wasted.

Knowing this, I was still surprised when I broke down at my desk and started crying when I read of the kidnapping of two more aid workers in Chad. More than two million people are displaced in Darfur, with hundreds of thousands more having crossed into Chad for refuge, and I cry when I read that two aid workers were snatched by bandits. Do I have no compassion for the masses in Sudan and the Congo and Somalia who are suffering terribly every day? Why is it only when the chaos and tragedy affects people within my line of work that I can no longer hold back the tears? I know, human nature. But it still made me sad to not be touched as deeply more regularly by the circumstances of those we attempt to serve.

Buck up lil' buttercup

Today I'm disappointed in myself. I don't like this feeling. I know friends and family will say, "Give yourself a break." And it's not like I've done anything terrible. But I have misused my time.

I've been putting too much energy into a friendship that is likely never going to bring me inspiration or true ease. I've been here before in Nairobi: Desperate for connection, I've spent time with people with whom I never really connected. And I regretted that misuse of time then as well.

I like who I am, and I like spending time alone -- in fact I need this regularly. But sometimes I want to be with others. And when there is no one around who I really love spending time with, I compromise. And I often end up feeling lonely as a result.

I'm not sure of the solution to this problem. Obviously, it would be ideal to find and spend time with people whose company I really enjoy. But when I've yet to come across these people, what is the best course of action?

I recommit to living an inspired fulfilling life. And I recommit to attracting people who make me feel inspired and appreciated and doing the same for them. Just wish it were a little easier some days. I'm also realizing that I need to appreciate and value more the time I do spend with special people, including a wonderful day walking with giraffes yesterday with Megan and a relaxing breakfast this morning with Annie and Alex.

Back to the Land of the Living

March 18, 2009 by whirlingmusings

So it’s been a pretty awful week. The phone breakup two Sundays ago is now an official breakup in person. I’m sad but after rearending a car trying to have a final talk this morning, we finally sat down this evening and I was able to have my say. I shared my love for him and my wish that we could continue to grow together. His feelings, however, have changed. So it’s time to do some more personal reflection and buck back up. Proud of myself for getting back into a car and risking crazy traffic here to get across town to say what I needed to say.

I don’t want this blog to be all about my relationships. Thanks for putting up with these postings for where I am now. Pizza and Milk the movie now on tap. Love to all.

Request to the Universe

March 10, 2009 by whirlingmusings

Unsolicited text from boyfriend: I’m in, baby, I’m in!
Response from Whirling Dervish: Woo-hoo!